Novocain Nonsense
by Phish Tacko
Summary: The Mad Hatter gets his wisdom teeth taken out. Hilarity and cuteness ensue on the way home. Rated higher than it should be because I'm paranoid.


**Summary: Picture Tarrant Hightopp stoned on Novocain. In a steampunk universe. IT'S CUTE, ISN'T IT? Inspiration was taken from youtube videos of people after they got their wisdom teeth taken out.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Alice in Wonderland 2010. I wish I did, though.**

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><p>"Okay, Tarrant. Come on."<p>

"Ohuh…?"

"It's time to go. The nice man said you can go home." Alice wrapped her arms around the hatter and helped him out of the chair.

"Hurr…" Hatter leaned heavily on Alice as his legs wobbled like strawberry jello.

"Whoa!" Alice stumbled back against a wall. "Uh…"

"Merp…"

"Ma'am?"

"Hmm?" Alice looked up at the sound of a masculine voice.

"Hurr…"

"Would you like some help with him?" A man standing in the doorway gestured toward Hatter, who was beginning to slip to the floor.

"Yes, thank you." Alice let Hatter slip to the floor as the man stepped over to help.

"Okay, sir. Up you go." He grabbed Hatter under the armpits and hauled him to his feet.

"Ohh, Lordy…" Hatter slurred as his head flopped backwards. His eyes were half-open and a hazy shade of dark green. "Ferp…"

"Okay, sir. Come on."

"Ohuh?"

"Go with the nice man, Hatter." Alice grunted as she wrapped one arm around Hatter and supported some of his weight. "It's okay. He's gonna help you back to our car."

"Okay…" Hatter sighed and let his head flop forward as Alice and the nice man dragged him through the building and eventually outside.

"All right, bud." Alice opened the front passenger door of the car. "Get in." Hatter obeyed and got in, with some help from the nice man. "Thank you, sir."

"No problem." The man topped his hat to Alice and headed back into the building.

"Neowm!" Alice turned back to Hatter and chuckled. He was holding his hands out in front of him like he was holding a steering wheel and pretending he was driving the car.

"Oh, Tarrant…" She sighed. "You're silly." She closed the door, walked around the car, and got in the driver's seat.

"Weirdest experience… of my life… I don't even know…!"

"Tell me about it." Alice buckled her seatbelt and smiled at Hatter. "Are you tired?"

"I don' even know yet…!" Hatter mumbled. "Are you tired…?"

**_A few minutes later…_**

"You want soup?"

"Want soup…"

"Okay, we'll get you some soup."

"Want real soup…"

"We'll get you some real soup. We'll get you a nice big thing of soup."

"I don't wanna run out…"

"You won't run out. I'm gonna get you a nice big thing of soup and make sure you don't run out."

"No…"

"Yes, Hatter, I'll get you some soup."

"Mmmm… I don't wanna run out of soup…"

"I'll get you your favorite, chicken noodle from Tina's."

"Tina's…"

"I'll bet they'll have real soup, huh?"

"No…" Hatter sniffled and groaned. "They're be out of real soup…"

"No, they won't. I'm gonna get a lot of soup, okay?"

"They'll be out of real soup…"

"They'll be out?"

"Yeah… And they won't have real soup…"

"They'll have real soup, Tarrant. Don't worry." Alice sighed and drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. "I'll get you some."

"It's not real soup…"

"Yes it is, Tarrant. It-it's real soup. I'm gonna get you real soup."

"It's fake soup…"

"Well, how can it be fake?"

"Because it's fake soup…!"

"I wasn't aware that soup could be fake."

"Yeah…"

"What's fake soup made out of?"

"It's made out of fake soup!"

"Fake soup's made out of fake soup?"

"Fake soup's made out of fake soup…" Hatter slid down in his seat until he was sitting on the floor and resting his head on the seat.

"Hatter?"

"Hmm…?" His voice was muffled in the cushion.

"Don't you wanna sit up and put your seatbelt on?"

"No I don't…"

"Is that more comfortable?"

"Uh-huh…" Hatter shifted and rubbed one of his eyes. "Don't get in a car wreck, okay?"

"I won't get in a car wreck."

"If you get into a car wreck… Everyone will die but me… I'm safe…"

"You're safe there?"

"Yeah…"

"Why are you safe?"

"'Cause I sit in the same place… Same place…"

"What about those not involved in the wreck?"

"Everyone will die but me…"

"Everyone in the whole world?"

"Everyone in the whole world will die but me…"

"I'd better not get in a car accident, then. We don't want the whole world to die."

"You're the best driver in the world…"

Alice chuckled.

"That should keep us safe, then."

**_About 20 minutes later, after getting Hatter into the back seat…_**

"Okay, Hatter. Sit up."

"Ohuh…?

"Sit up. I got you something to drink." Alice wrapped her arms around Hatter and helped him sit up. "There we go…" She propped him up against the back rest and sat next to him so he wouldn't fall over.

"It's weird…" Hatter mumbled. "It's weird to open your eyes…"

"Tell me about it."

"Yeah…" Hatter's eyes were still closed. "I'm gonna open mah eyes, so I can see the world…" He opened his eyes and took some gauze out of his mouth. "There's the world…"

"Whoa, don't take the gauze out." Alice grabbed Hatter's hand and attempted to get him to put the gauze back in his mouth. "You need that in there."

"I'm bleeding out every hole on my body…" Hatter stared at the bloody gauze with wide eyes. "Am I bleeding out my stomach?"

"No, just your mouth."

"My stomach's gonna come out!"

"I promise, Tarrant, you'll be fine. I promise, it's just from where they took out your teeth. You've just got some cuts in your mouth, that's all."

"Oh… Okay…" Hatter put the gauze back into his mouth and closed his eyes again.

"Aren't you gonna drink this?"

"Okay…" Alice handed the Big Gulp to Hatter and he took a small sip through the straw before lying back down. "I'm tired."

"I know, Tarrant." Alice stroked his wild orange curls as he laid there in her lap. "I know. I'm gonna get you home and get you into your bed so you can sleep."

"I wanna sleep…"

"I know. That's why I'm taking you home."

"I like sleep… I like my bed…"

"I know you do." Alice patted his pale cheek and helped him sit up. "Let's go home."

"Home…" Hatter laid down on his side as Alice got out of the car and back into the driver's seat.

**_Several minutes later…_**

"How did you get in the back seat?"

"I flew…"

"You flew?"

"Yeah…"

"Did you get out of the car, or did you climb over the seat?"

"I flew."

"You got out of the car and you climbed over the seat. And you flew?"

"Yeah…"

"How was it to fly?"

"Like birds…"

"Did it feel really awesome?"

"No…"

"No?" Alice craned her neck at Hatter, who was still lying in the back seat. "Why?"

"All the birds hated me because I was different!" Hatter wailed.

"They probably didn't hate you, Hatter. They probably just thought that you were so awesome."

"No… They hated me…"

"They wouldn't hate you. They probably wished they had cool hats, too." Alice sucked her cheeks in and bit her lip. "So are you going to stop flying so they don't hate you?"

"Yes…"

"That's probably a good plan. I sure wish I could fly. In fact, I've wondered what it would be like to fly for quite some time. Do you think I should start flying?"

"No… The birds will hate you too!"

"That wouldn't be good, would it?"

"No…"

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><p>"Okay, Tarrant. Come on. I've got you."<p>

"Ugh…"

"Come on. It's all right. I've got you." Alice had her arms wrapped around the hatter and was trying to lug him out of the car. "Come on. Arms around my shoulders." Hatter obeyed and flung his arms sloppily around Alice's shoulders.

"Meh…" His head flopped over and his hat toppled to the floor. "My hat!"

"I'll come back for your hat. But for now, let's focus on getting you to your bed."

"My hat…" Hatter reached over Alice's shoulder as she dragged him away.

"Come on. It's all right."

"Cheshire's gonna steal it!"

"He's not going to steal your hat."

"I'm not?"

"GACK!" Alice whirled around at the sound of Cheshire's voice.

"Hi, Chess…" Hatter slurred as Alice tightened her grip around him. The blue cat merely smiled and winked.

"Don't take that hat, Cheshire."

"Why?"

"Because I'm coming back for it once I get Tarrant into bed."

"I like my bed…"

"I know you do." Alice rubbed Hatter's back as Cheshire descended toward the hat. "Hey, don't-"

"Relax." The cat held the hat between his paws and floated up toward Alice's head. "I'm trying to help, for once." He placed the hat on her head and stuck his nose in the hatter's face. "Boo."

"Heh…"

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><p>"Okay. Down you go."<p>

"Down…" Hatter closed his eyes and sighed tiredly as Alice helped him lie down on his bed and removed his shoes. "Sleep…"

"Yep, you get to sleep now." Alice helped Hatter sit up and removed his overcoat, waistcoat, and tie.

"I like sleep…"

"I know you do. I like sleep to." Alice unbuttoned his shirt and slid it down his thin arms. "Okay. Now, if I turn around, do you think you can get your trousers off by yourself?"

"I guess…" Hatter removed his gloves and fumbled with the buttons of his trousers as Alice rifled through a bureau drawer for clean nightclothes.

"Okay, Tarrant. Arms up." Alice commanded after about a minute. "Got something for ya." She held up a white nightshirt and Hatter put his arms up in the air.

"Yay, cloud…" One of his eyes drifted closed as Alice slid the garment over his head.

"I see you still have your trousers on."

"Yeah…"

"Couldn't get 'em off, could you?"

"Nope…" Hatter's other eye closed and his head flopped forward.

"Okay, then…" Alice helped Hatter lie down again and set to work on the buttons. "I'll handle this."

**_About a minute later…_**

"Okay, there we go." Alice pulled the bed covers over Hatter and sat down next to him.

"Yay, cloud…" His voice was little more than a whisper. "I gedda sleep…"

"Yeah, you get to sleep now."

"I like sleep…"

"I know you do."

"I like it a lot…"

"I know." Alice reached over and cupped his cheek in her hand. "I know." She traced under his eye with her thumb and smiled down at him as his eyes drooped closed.

"Alice?"

"Hm?"

"Ah lovers you…"

"I know. I love you too."

"Ah wanna marry you…"

Alice's eyes widened slightly.

"That's nice, Tarrant, but right now it's time for you to sleep."

"I wanna sleep…"

"I know you do." Alice leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I'm gonna leave you here to sleep, all right?"

"Okay…" Hatter let out a sigh and snuggled into his pillow as Alice stood.

"Call me if you need anything."

"Okay…" He watched Alice with tired eyes as she stepped out of the room and sleep eventually wrapped him in its warm embrace.

"Yay sleep…"

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><p><strong>Crazy Hatter.<strong>


End file.
